


Helping Heads

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-29
Updated: 2007-01-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 16:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Remus and Sirius overhear James and Lily having some... trouble upstairs.





	Helping Heads

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Helping Heads

Summary: Remus and Sirius overhear Lily and James having some… trouble upstairs.

Author’s Note: This is my shortest one-shot EVER.

**_Just one chance, just one breath, just in case there’s just one left- Nickelback, Far Away_ **

Remus flipped through his Dracula book and murmured to himself, reading the words aloud. He sat in a rather empty for this time at night Common Room, and the fire crackled warmly as it flickered and burst forth. Sirius came sashayed in, his hands shoved into his pockets and whistling a rowdy tune.

“Where’s James?” were the first words out of his mouth, and he threw himself carelessly onto the couch next to Remus, his head knocking painfully into Remus’ shoulder.

“Upstairs, I think,” Remus said, still engulfed in his book.

“Wonderful,” Sirius said, and Remus made a kind of ‘mmphm’ noise, like the Scots of old did. The simple noise had a thousand meanings. “With Lily Darling?”

“Mmphm,” Remus said in a disapproving, curt tone.

“Well, what are they doing?”

“They’re ‘mmphm’ apparently.” He said, glancing up at Sirius with a pointed look.

“Are they really? Why can’t I hear them?” Remus waved his wand vaguely toward the stairs, and Lily screaming at James became suddenly very apparent.

“James, get it out of me!”

“I can’t, Lily,” he said trying to be calming, but not working quite so well. “It’s stuck.”

“It can’t be nearly that big,” She said hysterically.

“It’s big enough,”

“It feels like you need some pliers for it. I mean it’s huge. Just look at it, it’s just right there between the two of us.” Sirius snorted.

“We can just go to the Hospital Wing and get it removed.”

“You’re kidding right?” She laughed deliriously. “I would look so weird with that huge stiff thing in me. I mean, really! Think sensibly!”

“I can just go get something…”

“No, James, that would cause me to move and it’s painful, and imagine it for you!” There was a few moments silence. James thought about it a bit and sighed. “True.”

“James,” Lily said in a frightfully tiny voice that made Sirius strain to hear, “do you think it will ever come out?”

“Of course it will,” He said, and Sirius almost heard the grin in his voice. “One day, you’ll be able to use everything properly. It will be in perfect one day, just for rubbing and making me really hot.”

“James, I’m getting furious, it’s throbbing, and I can feel it.” Remus smacked Sirius in the head as he started to swoon. “Just pull it out; it won’t be anything to you. I’ll feel it sliding out and then falling between us, still stiff and looking as dangerous as ever! I mean-!”

“Okay Lily, calm, breath. Just a moment.” Sirius heard James rummage around a bit as Lily began to whimper more. Sirius was breathing heavily, and Remus vaguely wondered as he flipped the page how James could move around at a time like this. He shrugged and continued with his reading.

“Aha!” James said triumphantly. “This will do it!”

“I’ll count to three,” Lily said, slightly breathlessly, bracing herself.

“Good idea.” James said appreciatively.

“One,” she counted, readying.

“Two,” James said easily.

“Three!” They both said together, and James took the tweezers, gripped, and pulled. Lily made a small squeal, that sent Sirius reeling below, and James held up the tweezers triumphantly, and Lily glared at the large piece of dresser wood that looked innocently back at her.

“Stupid splinters,” she spat vehemently. 


End file.
